Monday, July 03, 2006

AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

For someone who claims to be my friend, someone who claims to care about me and someone who prides himself on being honest and open; your not showing me any of that at all. I thought I knew you; I thought I could trust you. I guess I was wrong...Do you understand that you have really hurt me? Do you realize that you have done permanent damage to our friendship? Do you even care about any of it at all?

It's really hard for me to believe that you of all people are capable of doing something like this to another person, it's so out of chracter for you. And even more so, to do it to me. You realize that because of what you've done I am calling into question everything you have ever said and done.

Nothing between us will ever be the same, you have damaged my trust with you; and even though you have hurt me and messed things up so bad, what hurts me the most, is that you have dissapointed me. And thats a first for you and I. You have always been the one I could count on to shoot straight with me, or at I least I thought you were. Who knows anymore.

You are hundreds of miles from me and right now that is the best place for you to be...because if you were in front of me right now I honestly don't think I would have anything to say to you. What can I say? You have to know i'm angry with you...its not like its not obvious what you have done.

So keep ignoring the phone calls, in your mind if you think that closing your eyes and mind to whats going on is going to make it go away, then I hope that works for you. But just know that when you open them again and you think its safe to come out of hiding; i'm still gonna be pissed and extremely dissapointed in you. And if your ok with that, if you can find some way to justify it in your mind, it just proves to me that I never really knew you like I thought I did, and that your chracter has been shot to hell in my book.

Why would you do this to me? After everything we have gone through...everything I have done for you to make you happy and feel good? You have shoved it back in my face and taken it all for granted...Why?

Friday, June 30, 2006

So its Friday!!!!! Begining of a holiday weekend....I should be happy and overjoyed that I actually have some time off....and I am. But I cannot but help have this feeling that something just isn't right. Maybe its my Lukemia test, maybe its the wedding, maybe its just life in general trying to tell me to slow down and remember to breathe.

I went out last night with the girls and danced the night away and it was a ton of fun, and I think the best part was that Liz was there....She is this amazingly cool chick...who I would have never met if it hadn't been for Dennis, but never in a million years would I ever give him credit for us meeting. She has this calming beauty about her that is really neat, not to mention that she is drop dead gorgeous and has a great personality. Im excited to get to know her and have more fun evenings hanging out.

I should know tomorrow about the Lukemia test..its nerve wracking and it has had me on edge for the last 2 days...but I keep telling myself I'm not gonna worry about it until I know I have something to worry about. I have tons of people pulling for me and praying for me and so that has to mean something right?

Well I suppose i better get back to work...considering I am still on the clock...Guys.. just remember that you have no idea when life is gonna throw a curve ball at ya, you have to be ready and embrace the change and excitement of it all....Until we get together again.....

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Today Im Thankful For:

- I had another day at work...it wasn't wonderful..but i still can pay my bills

-A wonderful conversation with TJ about our summer plans

-An invigorating walk with Allison at Cal Poly....i feel so whole again

-That I have the ability to see the change i bring about in other people

- That I know I have friends near and far who really do care and who would do anything for me

-For my prince who is lost out there somewhere on the same search as me...hopefully we'll bump into each other here soon...im getting impatient.

-Dennis....cause he makes me smile and because i had an awesome weekend with my bestfriend.

-Katie because she has more strength to put up with chairs being thrown at her and her boyfriend being an ass...close your eyes and breathe it'll be over soon.

-My bed...because it is the next place I am going...time for sleep and peaceful dreams.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Well......so I thought I would try something completely different than that retarded myspace day after day......Mybe this will be my safe haven to come to when the world just gets a little too crazy and I need to jump off for a little bit.
Today wasn't bad....work kept me busy and although i have this horrible anemia thing going on thats causing me to pass out randomly...I managed to get through work without causing a scene. I came home to an empty house...no roommate, no bestfriend...he left and went home again...truly a a sad thing, wish he could stay forever cause I don't think he has any idea how much joy and happieness he brings me by just being around and talking to me.
Anyway...glad the day is widing up...much to do and think about as the days pass until I have a vacation and I can head down south to a whole different world. Until tomorrow....may each of you know the meaning of love, joy and happieness as we see the sun set on another day given to us by a power far greater than ourselves.